If there is another sure thing in this life besides death and taxes, it’s that people will do stupid things. For whatever reason, they enter this black hole where common sense and/or good taste fail to exist. I’m not even talking about the more serious things like abusive relationships and drunk driving; obviously those are just plain wrong. I’m talking about the subtle, everyday things that eat at my soul and make me ask Why, God, why?
So now, like a retired person with too much time on his hands, I will tell you about some things that have been nagging me lately:
1) The re-make of Footloose. You don’t mess with a classic, folks.
2) Teenage girls having more expensive purses than I do. No explanation necessary.
3) Young children with cell phones.
4) Kid Rock’s song “All Summer Long” which uses the melodies from “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Werewolves of London”. Again, don’t mess with the classics. My ears bleed every time I hear this song; it is the soundtrack to my nightmares.
5) Skulls and crossbones on toddlers’ and little kids’ clothing. Whatever happened to cute little animals and such? Since when does a child need to be ironic?
6) Snotty sayings on kids tee shirts (i.e. “I love my attitude problem”). I’m pretty sure that kids don’t need any more excuses to be smart-alecks, much less a tee shirt extolling the virtues of it.
7) Women’s designer jeans with a 35” inseam and thighs big enough for an eight-year-old girl. The waist, however, is big enough that I could fit a loaf of bread down the gap in the back.
8) The price of bras and bikini swimsuits. Any woman knows what I mean.
9) Caddyshack II. See #1 and #4.
10) Not eating the pizza crust edge (or the pie crust edge, for that matter). Sometimes it’s the best part, kids!