I owe the idea for this blog to comedy writer Barb Best, who first published “25 Things I Don’t Wanna Do Before I Croak.” Her hilarious list can be found here: http://barbsblast.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/25-things-i-don%e2%80%99t-wanna-do-before-i-croak/.
So inspired was I by Barb, I decided to come up with my own list. To quote Barb, it’s not a Bucket List, it’s a F*ck It List (sorry, Mom). I will never feel the need to do these things. For some of you, many of these things might seem fun or even downright dreamy. Alas, not for me. I just don’t want to do them. Ever.
1) Get so drunk that I blame my embarrassing public behavior on “exhaustion.” (Lindsey Lohan and Kirsten Dunst, you gals are a riot!)
2) Purposely pet, touch, brush up against, or come anywhere near a cat or anything in the rodent family.
3) Sleep with an NBA player.
4) Watch any of the Saw movies. There’s a reason why they are banned in several countries, and I know enough that I don’t want to find out why.
5) Take any crap from smug, power mongering school secretaries.
6) Read Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog.
7) Have a deep conversation about politics and/or the environment with Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon or Leonardo DiCaprio.
8) Watch another nauseating Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy.
9) Go on The Amazing Race with my husband. Simply moving furniture with him causes our marriage great distress, so I can’t imagine what map reading, puzzle solving, running and cultural misunderstandings (all under enormous pressure) would do to us. I’m not against being on a reality TV show, however. That is, if a new version of The Real World is created where they put some hip thirtysomethings in a cushy pad and hand them dream jobs, then sign me up.
10) Completely remodel another house down to the studs. Been there, done that, and I didn’t even do much labor. It’s not as fun or easy as it looks on HGTV. Most of the time it’s like the horror stories on Holmes on Homes; that show makes me break out in hives.
11) Occupy Wall Street. Yeah, I already know that life isn’t fair. It’s never going to be fair, and there are always people who will have more than I do, whether they earned it or not. If life were fair then I wouldn’t have this large thigh gene and a vat of Proactiv Solution at age thirty-eight. And that’s not even mentioning the most embarrassing and challenging stuff that’s too personal to share here.
12) Go on the Atkins Diet for life. Sorry, but Mama needs her bread.
13) Go bungee jumping. Or base jumping. Or skydiving. You get the idea.
14) Run my fingers through Brad Pitt’s beard.
15) Join the Red Hat Society.
16) Make crafts out of animal hair. (Don’t believe me? Check out this creepy book: Crafting with Cat Hair. http://www.amazon.com/Crafting-Cat-Hair-Cute-Handicrafts/dp/1594745250)
17) Stop being a Green Bay Packers fan.
18) Go parasailing in Mexico. It might have to do with this story: One time in Mexico, the same guy who drove the parasailing boat asked my husband and me if we wanted to buy some blow. Hmmm. Let me think about it. I don’t think so.
19) Weigh more than my husband. I just don’t want to be one of those couples where it looks like the wife could beat the crap out of her tiny husband.
20) Get my picture taken while standing next to a professional model. Except for a male model…that might be okay.