Top Five Ways Madonna Could Die February 2, 2012

This weekend Madonna is performing during halftime of the Superbowl big game.  Now if the Packers had actually made it this far, this would have been my absolute dream scenario.  Alas, it was not meant to be.  However, I have not given up my dream of seeing Madonna perform in person.

Madonna needs to do me a big favor and go on tour (and fast).  I’m tired of waiting for something as epic as the Blonde Ambition Tour to come around again.  It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t have another album to promote; trust me, people will come.  Secondly, until that time comes, she needs to keep herself out of harm’s way.  I can’t have her dying too young like another pop icon that I will (sadly) never get to see.  I was pretty devastated by that.

Now, I figure Madonna is way too healthy to die of anything related to clogged arteries or lack of exercise.  If she is going to go anytime soon, it would be either purely accidental or under suspicious circumstances. 

Just in case, I have put together a small list of things Madonna should look out for.

Top Five Ways Madonna Could Die

1)      Taken out by the Gay Mafia after its leader Elton John loses another award to her.

2)      Mysteriously disappears from the public eye.  Months later, a super buff and veiny-armed Rosanna Arquette emerges with an adopted foreign toddler in tow and starts making crappy movies.

3)      Suddenly keels over in private yoga class; toxicology reports find cause is massive amounts of poison found in lifetime supply of lacey fingerless gloves.  (Kind of gives new meaning to Arsenic and Old Lace, am I right theater geeks?)

4)      Not to be outdone by Lady Gaga’s “meat dress”, makes appearance in John Paul Gauthier-designed catnip dress, only to be attacked by rabies-infested feral cats.

5)      Accidentally overdoses on wheatgrass while playing drinking games with frenemy Gwyneth Paltrow.

Please be careful, Madge!