I went shopping by myself on Sunday. No schedule but my own, nobody else’s agenda, no having to wait for someone else while they try on one more top. I thought it would be awesome. Boy was I wrong. Besides having to eat lunch by myself, I discovered that I really needed someone else there to join in my snarky repertoire and overall shopping frustration. As a result I just ended up being really super cranky.
So now here’s what I would have said, if I had had a shopping buddy along with me. Notice the progression from mildly snarky to downright pissed. All times are approximate.
1:30 pm: You people standing in line to get into the Coach Outlet Store are idiots. P.S., Come to Oshkosh, there’s no line there!
1:35 pm: You people standing in line to get into the Vera Bradley Outlet Store are idiots.
2:00 pm: There is absolutely nothing I want at this outlet mall.
2:15 pm: Except for these shoes. Uh…but they are $80 here and $80 in the regular store. What part of “outlet” don’t you understand, Aldo?
2:30 pm: Speaking of not understanding, how is it physically possible for these perfectly healthy people to walk this slowly through a mall? They have taken “strolling” to a whole new level. Must pass these people as soon as possible. On your left!
2:35 pm: I am so over outlet malls. Never. Again. Unless it’s Woodbury Premium Outlets outside of NYC.
5:00 pm: Salesgirl at Lucy: “What don’t you like about the capris?”
What I really wanted to say: “My thighs? Too much cameltoe?”
What I really said: “They just don’t fit right.”
What I also wanted to say: “Please stop checking in on me and reminding me this is the last day of the capri sale. Your pushiness is about to make me leave the store without buying anything.”
6:00 pm: Who the f*ck has exactly $1.10 in change for an unattended toll? Now I have to remember to pay online, which I forgot once, and ended up paying a $60 fine. Curse you, Illinois!
I may never shop alone again.