Now that I have a fancy schmancy phone and two teenage stepkids, I have been forced to text. This was not an easy transition for me, much like when Steve Carrell left The Office, or when skinny jeans came into style.
Thankfully I have not turned into one of those people who hold marathon conversations over texting, because that is just asinine. If I wanted to talk to you for that long I’d just call you or show up unexpectedly at your front door when your house is a mess. Come to think of it, I’m not much into long conversations at all, unless I’m bitching about something, or you’re telling me the secret recipe for skinny thighs. Comfortable silence can be a good thing, people. And sometimes I’m reading my Us Weekly and just want to be left the hell alone. I can’t drink my Trader Joe’s Lambrusco, kick everyone’s ass at Wheel of Fortune, read stupid crap on Yahoo! News and text you all at the same time. Something’s gotta give, and it’s not going to be my penchant for cheap wine.
Texting is just a lot of work for me, probably because I use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation for ALL my texts. And it’s a lot harder to get to that exclamation point and comma when they are on a totally different screen, damnit. Plus I am not up on all the texting abbreviations out there. I feel like a schmuck if I even utter an “LOL”. But even though my texts are grammatically perfect and spell-checked, this doesn’t exactly make them remotely “classy”, if you will.
No, most of my texts involve my stepkids’ comings and goings and who is picking them up and where the hell they are, and what are they doing. But lest you think that my texting life is boring, I invite you to read some of these gems. They basically come in three fun-size categories: Random, Disappointing and Strange/Shameless.
(Author’s Note: All texting parties will be referred to as “texter”. You never know when one of these people is going to run for office someday.)
Favorite Random Texts I’ve Received
Texter: Hey I got my period.
Texter: Remind me to tell you about going to the lesbo bar for a meat raffle.
Texter: Potty training loads of fun. He brought me a poop more than once. Put it in my hands!! Good times!!!!!
Texter (gay male friend in his 30’s): Just left One Direction World in Times Square.
Me: Who’s you’re favorite? (Author’s note: damn that punctuation is a bitch.)
Texter: Harry.
Me: Well OF COURSE he is!
Texts That Have Disappointed Me:
Me: Frankenweenie tonight?
Texter: I’m going over to Taylor’s.
Me: Ok
(Author’s Note: Frankenweenie rocked, by the way.)
Texter: I have musical practice till 5 and yes I would like to go to the basketball game.
Me: Why r u texting during school? (Author’s note: This is about as fancy as I get with abbreviations. Why yes I DID use the shortened versions of ‘are’ and ‘you’.)
Texter: It’s free time
Me: Sounds fishy.
Texter: (No response).
Texter: Hey I left my basketball shoes at ur house…can you bring them to the middle school during ur lunch brake?
Me: No but I can bring them during my lunch BREAK. (Author’s note: I warned you I was anal.)
Me: Wow what a fantastic concert! Very impressive!
Texter: (No response.)
Me: Please text when you get to P’s.
Texter: (No response.)
Me: Did u take my bike?
Texter: (No response.)
Me: Please shovel when you get home.
Texter: (No response.)
(Author’s note: One guess on how THAT all turned out.)
Me: Please have your friend Lindsey remove that pic of u on Facebook. Not really appropriate. Thanks.
Texter: (No response.)
Me: Did you take my $10 from living room?
Texter: (No response.)
(Author’s Note: Sigh.)
Strange (and Shameless) Random Texts I’ve Sent
Me: We are watching The Middle. Jealous much?
Me: I put some female supplies on your desk.
Me: My mom’s ringtone for me should be “Coal Miner’s Daughter”. DUH.
And Finally…
Me: Ungawa girl powra! (Author’s note: Understanding this one requires a fine appreciation for Jock Jams Volume 2, circa 1998.)
Annapalooza 