My Top Movie “Awards”, Extra Snarky Addition November 16, 2012

Since MTV is known for giving out its own unconventional movie awards (Best Kiss, Best Fight, Best On-Screen Dirtbag, etc.) I thought I would come up with my own little movie awards. Although most of these are probably not actual awards but rather my own snarky opinion…but nonetheless if I could bestow my obscure “honors” on certain films, this is what I would say:

Movie I Surprisingly Never FinishedAvatar. Believe me, I’ve tried. I fell asleep both times. But I get the gist of it: Humans are bad, greedy people who always exploit the earth for their own personal gain; blue people are peaceful and noble fairytale-land dwellers. Yawn. No wonder I couldn’t stay awake to finish this. Isn’t that whole storyline getting old? How many more movies can be made about evil humans disrespecting the earth? Does Al Gore own a movie studio I’m not aware of?

Movie Remake I Never Should Have Seen But Did AnywayFootloose. I’ll admit I was warned; nobody should mess with a Kevin Bacon classic, but somebody did…and of course I was disappointed. P.S.: Ren is not from Boston! He is from Chicago!

Movie I Needed to Google for a SummaryTinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. Not even hot Colin Firth could save me from zoning out during this one, and that is saying a lot since he is my favorite Brit.

Movie That Left Me Hanging Too MuchMartha Marcy May Marlene. I understand that some of the most brilliant movies need to end with a cliffhanger or a big question mark. After all, how do you neatly wrap up the story of a woman who escapes an abusive cult, especially since she never tells her confused family about her previous life? You can’t. So if you hate movies where the ending leaves you saying, “What the…that’s it? And there’s no sequel?” then stay away from this one.

Non-Horror Movie That Scared the Hell Out of MeMelancholia. You just know that something is not right with Kirsten Dunst. Something tipped me off when she slept with another man on her wedding night. But then you learn that she knows the end of the world is coming, and you can’t blame her for going off the deep end. But unlike other films where Will Smith or Bruce Willis is there to save us, (spoiler alert!) everyone is doomed.

Most Irritating Kristen Stewart Movie Moment. Believe me folks, it was hard to narrow this one down to just one scene, but I have finally decided on the final scene in Snow White and the Huntsmen.

So there is Kristen, aka Snow White, standing among her court as she is once again crowned the rightful queen. You know she is scanning the crowd for the hunky Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth, looking downright meaty). After all he basically saved her ass, and they shared this hot flirtation while fighting off the bad guys.  Then suddenly the Huntsman emerges from the crowd, they lock eyes…and…and…nothing. Kristen just sits there with her mouth slightly open. Would somebody please call Susan Lucci and teach this girl how to play “lustful and regal”? I guess that’s what happens when you are having an affair with the director and he is apparently too jealous to give you any romantic scenes in the entire movie.

Movie I Didn’t Realize Was Bad Until Years LaterXanadu. We were all just coming off the high which was the movie Grease. We didn’t care how crappy the movie, we just wanted more Olivia Newton-John; she could do no wrong. Hence I sat through this disaster as well as the horrible Two of a Kind with John Travolta.

Bad Movie I Will Keep Watching AnywayGrease 2. All of the teenagers were played by 35-year-olds. (And how old was “Crater Face” from the Scorpions, who was still running with a teenage gang, even though he looked about fifty?) But I still can’t tear myself away from the bad (but catchy!) songs and that dreamy Maxwell Caulfield who played British exchange student Michael. Plus those twins from the short-lived TV show “Double Trouble” were in it.

Recent Disappointing MovieMagic Mike.  There were a couple problems here. The first is that what started out as a lighthearted look at the world of male stripping took a really dark turn into a whole drugs and business ethics storyline. Secondly, I understand how you are trying to be all arty, Steven Soderbergh, but shooting the film in that 1970’s gritty style does not give us ladies a clear picture of Channing Tatum’s chiseled abs. Shame on you for placing your artistic integrity above your audience’s shallow desires.